My tender-hearted, sweet, funny three year old doesn’t sleep. I mean she DOES, but it’s an all night struggle that involves 3 of the 4 humans in our house and sometime the dog. My 7 month old sleeps a little better; typical for a kid her age who has been sleep-crutched for her entire life. Like many parents of young kids, I haven’t slept through the night in over 8 months except one blissful night.
I have an amazing husband. He’s funny and smart and hot and will absolutely hate this paragraph if he happens to read this. (Unlike me, he doesn’t dig public appreciation.) We have absolutely silly and incredibly deep conversations when we aren’t discussing schedules and poop and contractors and what to throw together for dinner.
I’m a daughter and a daughter-in-law to parents that live close enough to visit often. Their relationships with our girls is incredibly important to me and I genuinely like and love each of them.
I have so many friends whom I neglect. Getting together is hard when weeknights are wrapped up in 2 kids refusing sleep and the weekends are all about shoving as much quality time in with them as possible.
Plus two very busy businesses.
I know many of you have as much or more on your plate. If you don’t, I want you to revel in your expansiveness. Really appreciate it and do fun and restful things as much as possible.
For those of you juggling with me, let me be clear: I don’t have this figured out. When I struggle I use my very favorite defense mechanism, Intellectualizing. So, I’ve done some research and mushed it all up in my tired head and here’s what’s coming out: verb-seesaw-priorities-flexibility.
You’re welcome.
Just kidding. Let me break that down.
Balance is a Verb
We keep treating it like a noun. “Once I’ve found balance…” This isn’t a destination. It’s not an end point. We’ll never arrive and just be done with the struggle. We have to keep balancing all the time. As a yogi, it’s not like I could just stop balancing and still stay in a handstand. It takes ongoing work.
Balance is a SeeSaw
There’s a back and forth. Maybe balance isn’t something you strive for each day, but an average of what’s occurred over a longer period of time. Some days I spend more time with work, some days family. Very rarely with friends. It’s easy for me to feel guilty no matter what. But if I think of it as averaged over a week and weigh it against my expectations of my definition of balance, I’m more apt to appreciate my choices.
Balance is Priorities
We have these ascribed expectations of what our priorities are supposed to be. Get real with yourself about what you value. One of the questions I ask in the first of the Abundance Practice-Building Groups is “What are your top 3 priorities in life, whether or not your current time or attention reflect that.” Answer that for yourself. I find that 90% of the time the responses come with the caveat that they don’t feel their life reflects what they hold most dear. You will always feel unbalanced if you don’t make it a point to spend your time on the things that matter most. Let your priorities be your priorities.
Balance is Flexibility
What works this month might not next. Much like parenting, as soon as you’ve figured something out it’s likely to change. That’s ok. Maybe the point isn’t to find “the answer” but to flow. We don’t wanna stagnate, right? That requires becoming very well acquainted with your own needs at any given moment. Yes, I said YOUR needs. Remember those?
Here’s an example of striving for balance using all these things. I mentioned it in the Abundance Practice Builders Facebook Group (hop in!). In the haze of trying to figure out why our 3 year old won’t sleep, we realized that much of our weekday time with her is rushed and frustrating. Getting out the door, having the dreaded fight over the need to wear pants, the please-please-please-walk-a-little-faster-to-the-car-yes-that-flower-is-pretty. Then the craziness of the getting home and the dinner-bath-bedtime routine.
Our daughter needs downtime with us. She needs eye contact and playtime and non-rushed snuggles. I’m self-employed. I can do what I want. So two days a week I’m leaving work early and we’re having time just the two of us. Yes, I have plenty I “should” be doing. Yes, I feel perpetually behind at work. But my kid is my priority and I won’t get a second chance to parent her at this age. I’m practicing flexibility. I have no idea if this is going to help her sleep at night, but more time together won’t hurt. I’m actively seeking balance.
While I’m present at the library or playground or even the grocery store chatting with her about how much parsnips and carrots look alike, I’m not thinking about work or my to do list. That to do list will be there until the day I die. I’m learning I can’t wait until that list is done to live my life because I’d be a lot older and a lot more tired before I got around to having any fun.
In January I declared a cease & desist with hustling. 10 months in I think I’m starting to get it.
How are you balancing like a verb, like a see saw, with your priorities and with flexibility? Let us know in the comments!
Allison Puryear is an LCSW with a nearly diagnosable obsession with business development. She has started practices in three different states and wants you to know that building a private practice is shockingly doable when you have a plan and support. After retiring her individual consultation services, she opened the Abundance Party, where you can get practice-building help for the cost of a copay. You can download a free private practice checklist to make sure you have your ducks in a row, get weekly private practice tips, listen to the podcast, hop into the free Facebook Group. Allison is all about helping you gain the confidence and tools you need to succeed.
Well its a constant battle. I hate rushing, whether its myself, my daughter, my husband. I often tune in after it feels too late to turn back into the fact that none of this shit will matter in even 1 hour. Those kind of perspective shifts help and sometimes its note too late to apologize for pushing everyone to go faster. Overall this is a big struggle for me as a new entrepreneur who could work all day and night. But I have made a bunch of difficult decisions lately to spend more time and energy on my top three priorities in life: my daughter, my husband, and my health.
Lol theres a few mistakes there – hopefully its legible
I edited it for you, Erin. 🙂 you’re right, being 5 mins late isn’t worth the misery ultimately. Isn’t it crazy how in the moment it feels so damn important?! Good for you for letting your priorities be your priorities!
So wise, Allison. Balance is a verb. anyone who does yoga knows that when we balance on one foot that foot moves around a lot! I feel I have it much easier than many cause I started my private practice after my daughter was out on her own. however, my husband’s schedule and mine are often out of sync and I struggle with guilt for all those evening appointments. on the other hand, I don’t think anyone would want to meet with me at 8 am:) I try to pay attention to how I am feeling, and let that sort of guide me on how I am doing with balance. SOmetimes we need more self care time than others. But in our achievement oriented society, where we value hustling, this will likely always be a growing edge for me.
You & me both, Carolyn! While I have my time boundaries set, my addiction to achievement is still alive and kicking. I once had a yoga teacher say, “Every time you fall out of a pose your body is learning how to stay in it.” Wise words!
About 17 years ago, I had an opportunity to quit a job that had itself been a good opportunity, to take a year sabbatical with free housing and a small stipend to work radically fewer hours with some kids in a non-profit. In seeking wise counsel, I talked to a trusted supervisor about 20 years my senior who said, “go for it. You’ll have the rest of your life to work yourself to death.” I did, and when I wasn’t working with the kids, I took walks, poked around in different neighborhoods, and generally enjoyed myself. Now i have a new private practice and have lots of time to work myself to death. She was right, lol.
Yes, there’s always time to work ourselves to death! Ha! Good for you for taking a sabbatical! You’ll pop out of the working yourself to death phase eventually. 🙂
Hi Allison, i am working with my therapist on values in acceptance and commitment therapy. I also use values work with clients. It is eye-opening when you realize that you may not be acting on what you really find important in life. So, balance for me is working on acting on those values. This has been life-shifting and added to my quality of life. Also, I learned (The Hard Way) the importance of self-care and balance and that they are ongoing, one day at a time. Learning that there will always be an in-box and that not everything will be wrapped up in a neat bow (including work with clients) has helped, too. I do the best I can as a human, with plenty to learn and lessons made along the way. BTW, we share the same defense mechanism:) Thank you.
I love ACT! I’m wondering, too if those of us who Intellectualize more have a harder time with accepting that shit’s just always going to be there. I keep looking for some kind of hack so that my productivity can jump off the charts and my list can be DONE. Which of course can totally waste time. ;P