This blog post is a long time coming. It all started with a hater. Not a troll, but someone who looked at the surface of a few things I said, made some assumptions about me, fit that into her paradigm about therapy and therapists and let me have it. I’d had my share of haters by that point, but none that invested a ton of time in writing a diatribe of grievances about my character and the evil I was spreading in the world of counseling. At first I felt really misunderstood. I wanted to defend myself, to win her over, to have her see that we were probably on the same side of a lot of things and convince her that I was indeed a good person.
Instead I paused, reached out to an entrepreneur/therapist friend, Jane Carter. In a flurry of screenshots and text messages, a little adolescent angstiness and momentary defensive “what a bitch” venting, we realized an unsettling truth.
See, this hater had accused me of taking advantage of counseling clients by encouraging others to set what I would consider appropriate fees. She used words like “heartless egomaniacs” to describe people who set decent fees and “treating people like dirt,” “predatory” and “exploitation” to describe their behavior.
She talked a lot about “bilking vulnerable populations” and continued to focus on how pitiful clients were. My friend and I were struck by what counseling with someone who pitied us would feel like. We processed what it would be like to feel sorry for our clients instead of seeing their resilience, power, and value.
So, some advice
If you see your potential clients or clients as victims, as unable to make their own decisions, as people you have to baby and cater to in every way, you disempower them.
Create your private practice and what you want it to look like. It won’t work for some people and that’s ok. Really, it’s fine. There are other counselors they will be a good match with. Don’t fall into the trap of egotism that you’re the only one who can help folks.
Your practice will work beautifully for a number of people. They will rise to your boundaries or your fee or the hours you set and they will have made a powerful choice for their recovery. If you cave and agree to things that don’t work for you, you take away the client’s choice to commit to something that would up the ante for them (taking an extended lunch break to see you during daytime hours, paying your fee, not calling you each time they have big feelings).
Our clients are strong. They are resilient. They have power and agency. Give them a chance to discover that. Honor their experiences of victimization or discrimination but don’t collude with those experiences. Connect with your client’s ability to overcome the hardest parts.
So, I thank the woman Jane and I dubbed “Juicy Hater” for reminding me why I love my clients. Like all of us, they struggle with something, they have a lot to learn, they have a lot to give, they have incredible strength and vulnerability that leaves me in awe sometimes and makes me want to jump up and down at other times. I feel damn lucky to have careers that make a difference in people’s lives, careers I love.
How do you stay in touch with your clients’ resilience? What do you love about the work we get to do? Let us know in the comments!
Allison Puryear is an LCSW with a nearly diagnosable obsession with business development. She has started practices in three different states and wants you to know that building a private practice is shockingly doable when you have a plan and support. After retiring her individual consultation services, she opened the Abundance Party, where you can get practice-building help for the cost of a copay. You can download a free private practice checklist to make sure you have your ducks in a row, get weekly private practice tips, listen to the podcast, hop into the free Facebook Group. Allison is all about helping you gain the confidence and tools you need to succeed.
Great article Allison! I think that holding the belief that clients truly can take care of themselves and have the inner knowing to do so, is so powerful.
an important article. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing this with is. As a Pastoral Therapist (specializing in Christian Theology) I have been on the receiving end of ‘haters’ as well. Many believe that if something is based on their religion, it is compulsory to be for free. And every once in a while I get that look and a few terrible remarks about my practice having serious fees and policies. My clients are everything but victims. Each and everyone is a kind of brave I hope to be. Everyday I step into my office I tell myself: I only meet the bravest. Thank you for this article.
I hate how issues of fee turn therapists against one another. the reality is that these financial pressures and pressures related to lack of affordable healthcare are so much bigger than any one therapist’s fees. You may be able to help a few people who can’t afford health care but as a whole, our system is chronically broken and there are so many people- children especially- who go without quality health care. I remain tuned into my clients’ strength, and I understand that not everyone can “rise to my fee” (because: poverty), and I understand that it isn’t my job to single-handedly solve this systemic, social-cultural problem. I have the right to be happy, live the life of my dreams, and help others in the way that feeds my spirit, without feeling like a martyr. I have a client or two that I practically see for free, because I care so deeply on these issues. But my entire practice isn’t like that- it wouldn’t honor and respect me as a clinician, all the hours and tears and money I have put into my education.
You have to wonder where that hate is coming from. I imagine that the hater feels like a martyr, and has taken a vow of poverty in order to heal the down and out. Perhaps some jealousy for those who are actually earning a decent income for their work.
What i think is great is that out of stress/criticism has emerged growth on you part allison! we are all bundles of strengths and weaknesses. even newborn infants are not helpless, for they have this uncanny method of crying that brings caregivers to them pronto. how is that for getting service, lol.
I’m so glad you brought this up! People ask me how do I deal with clients and their issues? I see the other side with clients. I know what that looks like, and I know how to get them there. I focus on that. . I think we need to lighten up a bit. Yes, people are in some level of pain when they come in, but it doesn’t mean they’re not capable of growth. I believe and see how they can change things. Most all are capable of changing things. I want them to learn the skills they need to have a good life. I teach them by charging my fee and expecting to get it. Role Modeling. thanks!
it’s psych 101, really. The greater the investment, the greater the commitment.
Good for you. Therapists have to make a living too!
Sending you some love – been there too my friend abd there will probably be more to come but together we can help therapists not only care better for others but For their own lives and families as well.
Ha! I forgot about “juicy Hater”! As we say in the South after negative commentary, “Bless her heart.” But really, it did create an opportunity to discuss how we see our clients, to explore the stories and limiting beliefs J.H. may have been carrying, and then to explore our own stories & limiting beliefs. (P.S. For the record, Allison and I don’t sit around “Mean Girls” style, wearing pink on Wednesdays and talking trash about other people. None of us in this field are perfect; you can all sit at our lunch table 😉
Great post and I’m glad you shared this. While working in various agency and hospital settings I began to see this “victim” approach as something embedded in my work environments. I guess that at the time I didn’t have the context to capture this feeling, this frustration, that the messages conveyed to the clients were keeping them stuck. as a veteran I would get extremely offended at the projected pity veteran clients were receiving. as if we, as veterans, didn’t make it through a literal combat zone. I don’t believe that this is intentional, by any means, but there was, and still is, a culture in many mental health settings that reinforces the victim mentality from clinicians toward clients. Keeping a victim mentality in place insures there is room for the “fixer” and the “hero”. The needed ones. The therapists. This makes it not only difficult to actually be “in the work with the client” but stifles client empowerment and growth. what kind of change can we provide as therapists when we see our clients in charge of doing their own work and capable of making their own self improvements. it works both ways as neither the client nor the clinician is dependent on each other to play the role to keeping things…exactly…the same. This isn’t what therapy is about.
Pah! I am well over my money mindset – agreed, i had trouble in the beginning asking for money. I now tier my payment system accordingly to help lots of peopLe by offering gifts, email courses, webinars & audios.
This all takes a lot of time, research & mostly me banging my head in my laptop!
The fees I set to see 1:1 cliEnts are reasonabLy high & reflect the amount of work I put into them & that my client is investing in.
It’s always a therapeutic alliance built on empowering the client & holding them responsible for the cHanges they wish to make.
I think the lady who has critIcised needs to come & spend a bit of time in all of our consulting rooms to fully grasp the amazing work that gets done in there!
Wishing you all peace, love & light,
“If you see your potential clients or clients as victims, as unable to make their own decisions, as people you have to baby and cater to in every way, you disempower them.”
Wow. Just wow. This made my day. I keep re-reading it to remind myself. I might just paste it over my desk (where patients can’t see it) just so I can look at it daily.
No wonder it’s so hard for some of us to get paid what we’re worth; with this belief, we’d never raise our rates.
Thank you!!