If you’ve been on my email list for more than 2 days, you’ve seen that on the first of every month there’s an opportunity for free consulting. Usually 30-40 spots open up and are claimed within minutes (which totally makes me feel like Bono, or whoever the kids are listening to these days).
Let me tell you about the hate-mail I get about this:
Every month, without fail, at least one person sends me an email along the lines of “there’s nothing available and you should have more open for people” or “why did you send an email out with no actual slots available?” They almost always end with “unsubscribe me!”
Do I mention that they fill up in minutes in the email? Why yes, I do. Do I let folks know another opportunity will come around the next month? Uh huh.
Now, this is not to be confused with the 20-30 emails I get saying something like, “It doesn’t look like there are slots available. Can that be right?” or “Can you sign me up?” Those folks are kind and curious and didn’t read the email word for word. I read very few emails word for word so no judgment here.
Anyway, here are my knee jerk assumptions about this brand of hater:
They encounter a lot of roadblocks. That could be a chicken and an egg deal, but at this point they’re looking for evidence that people are bad or disappointing.
They anger easily and lash out. ‘Cause really, let’s all take a breath and understand that not getting a free offer is disappointing, but nothing to lose your shit over. Probably there’s other stuff going on in life, but lashing out at a stranger on the internet in any context should be an indication that you should be looking inward.
There may be a smidge of entitlement. I think that’s pretty self-explanatory.
Here’s my fear for their private practice:
To build a successful practice you need to be resilient and flexible. Not all the time, mind you, but it’s something to strive for even if, like me, you are sensitive and tend toward the rigid.
To build a successful practice you have to be hopeful. Again, not always, because we’re human. Looking for evidence that things are going well is much more likely to serve you.
To build a successful practice you need to be diplomatic. Speak your mind, yes, but think it through first. Make sure you’re taking a stand on things that matter and are consistent with who you are or want to be in the world.
To build a successful practice you need to understand that the world doesn’t owe you anything. You are not owed success or referrals or wealth or your dream practice. You have to work for that shit and most of the work is managing anxiety and resistance.
Here’s how I feel about their demand to “unsubscribe” them:
Happy to! 100% totally happy to! I want people on my list who are good fit. Just like you don’t need to say “yes” to every client who calls, I don’t want poor-fit people clogging up my lists lovely energy.
Haters gonna hate, right? (Taylor Swift! That’s who they’re listening to, right?!)
Here’s how I respond:
Depending on how nasty the email is, sometimes I open a Google Doc and write some um… frustration-clearing sentences.
Once that’s out of my system I think about what I want them to know. In the future I’ll just email them this blog post, but the last really barbed email I received was sent this reply (she accused me of not actually having any available and just enjoying wasting people’s time):
“As I wrote in the email these fill up in a matter of minutes. There’s only time for about 30-40 of them a month since they’re free, after all.
I encourage you to consider alternative explanations to why you might not be getting what you want. Jumping to the conclusion that they were not available to begin with is an unfortunate perspective that I hope you don’t carry into other areas of your life. There’s a lot of good out there in the world.
I will unsubscribe you as requested after I send this. I wish you well and hope you get the practice you want.
Best,
Allison”
Because maybe she’s walking around with the workplace trauma many of us have faced. Because she was probably drawn to this field to be of service just like me. Because that behavior and those assumptions aren’t going to serve her. My friend, Jane, who I always share hater stories with laughed, “Ha, you just therapied her.” Damn straight. She didn’t get a free consultation for her business in the way she’d hoped, but she did get some free advice.
Before you assume you’re safe from your own stories
We’ve all got rules about our worlds that are keeping us from what we want in life and in business. One I struggle with is that I have to work really hard to be worthy of what I have. I could literally work 15 hours less per week and probably impact as many people and make the same amount of money. It’s entirely my own shit (and I’m working on it, I swear). Look at your most frequent complaints to find your story. Are you always tired, busy, demotivated, uninspired, unappreciated? Check in to see how your story is impacting your life and your business.
Have you identified one? Own it in the comments so we can support you in shifting it.
P.S. I told some of you that the free consulting would go out at noon. I got on autopilot and scheduled it for 6am. On a Saturday. Pretty brutal. Sorry to lead you astray.
Allison Puryear is an LCSW with a nearly diagnosable obsession with business development. She has started practices in three different states and wants you to know that building a private practice is shockingly doable when you have a plan and support. After retiring her individual consultation services, she opened the Abundance Party, where you can get practice-building help for the cost of a copay. You can download a free private practice checklist to make sure you have your ducks in a row, get weekly private practice tips, listen to the podcast, hop into the free Facebook Group. Allison is all about helping you gain the confidence and tools you need to succeed.
It’s hard to hear that other therapists would write such accusatory and entitled comments to you, especially since you offer a ton (ton!) of services for free with the consultation and advice on your website. I’m sorry. Please know most of us are so grateful for what you do!
Thanks, Wesley! It’s all grist for the mill. It makes me even more grateful for the people I consider my real community. 🙂
The story i struggle with is much like yours. I have to work hard and “do my time” to slowly build what i want.
I have a mantra “You don’t have to work so hard.” I say that and “There’s time for everything important” like 20 times per day. Glad to know I’m in good company!
Wow, sorry to hear that happens to you allison. I was both shocked and not surprised when I read this post. I also want to let you know you are appreciated for all you do! It is always humbling to read the battles that people face as they get more successful in practice and it helps put things into perspective for me as I try to grow my own practice. Anyways, not sure I had a point but I really liked your response and it would have been hard for me to respond so nicely as you did. I still have a lot of practice to do in that department though!
Thanks, Stacey! I do feel appreciated 99.9% of the time. I think these haters keep me from taking that for granted. And thanks, those few lines of response probably took me 10 full minutes (which is a lot for so few words) 🙂
My story is that before you become successful you have to really, really STRUGGLE, “PAY your DUES,” and, essentially, hit rock bottom, in order to earn or justify the success.
Yeah…I know… RIDICULOUS. I’m working on it.
Ouch! Rock bottom sounds gratuitous! How about the anxiety as you start counts as “paying dues.” That’s my hope, anyway. Glad you’re working through it, Kara. You’re awesome and I don’t want you to struggle unnecessarily.
Yikes and Yuck! Can’t believe some of the email stories you shared. In my non-profit work the complaints I get are that I’m not doing the paperwork quick enough or thorough enough. with my clients i’m “not consistent” (in appointment dates/times). I’m school based so I have to work around teachers and sick students and what not. I would say I identified myself as overworked and exhausted. I don’t say no when I should and as a result I often feel like I can’t keep up (paperwork). I’m a people pleaser by nature so I take on more than can be done in a day with reasonable attention and thoroughness. This means I’m not showing up to be the therapist I want to be sometimes. It also means that my husband and daughter get the short end of the stick a lot of the times. I have been very aware of my tendency to overwork myself this year and as a result I’ve taken sick days when I’ve been sick, I’ve scheduled personal/mental health days, and I’ve stopped checking emails on my days off. This has been a huge help in all areas of my life! I feel so much better about the person I am, I feel good about the work I do, I’m more connected to my husband and I feel like I’m doing a decent job as a mom. I still take on more than I should, I can’t do it all even though I want to – it is a work in progress.
I’m so glad you’re setting boundaries, Gwendolyn. As a people pleaser myself, saying “no” is harder for me than just saying yes… until I get resentful and exhausted. So high five to us for doing the hard thing for our greater good (and ultimately the greater good of our clients and families).
First off, thanks for being so transparent. Those comments have got to hurt. thanks for sharing your process of working through “other’s stuff”. secondly, my deal is that is around money. i grew up a missionary’s kid. i feel i shouldn’t have if others don’t. hence, i am historically taking underpaying jobs while working harder than those in upper management. i have had a dream to have a private practice. worry about its sustainability due to my issues.
I’ve worked with a few people who were pastors’ kids or missionaries’ kids. It seems like the money shame is so ingrained amongst folks of certain denominations/sects.
Here’s my take: Money is the Power to Do. With money you can help fund the causes you believe in. You can be of service not just with your time and energy, but also with your checkbook.
Personally, I’d rather work less and make more. I can give more that way. I love the phrase “you can always make more money but you can’t make more time.” I love that I can spend more time with my family and, instead of working for a dysfunctional nonprofit like I used to, I can give money to the cause that made me interested in counseling to begin with. Hmmm… I feel a blog post idea brewing…
I love your “voice” and have at least a giggle every time I read something you write. So, thanks for that! and sorry you get nasty emails from the entitled folks…sheesh! As for owning my story, I recently attended an EMDR training and was able to process a negative cognition and focus on a positive reframe, related to my work. As I think about that experience, I realize how similar thoughts and narratives are holding me back, but also how more accurate and positive stories are and will continue to be how I build a successful and helpful practice! Thanks for this article and time to reflect.
Love that you found a reframe, Jennifer! And that you’re aware that the accurate stories are the positive ones!
I really enjoyed your email and I can see that I do do business like i do life. I’m a strategist and planner. I have a scheduled monthly reminder to book one of your free consultations -it’s set for 6am November 1st this month : ) . Strategizing is not too bad and is productive. but Don’t get me wrong my story about needing to strategize is exhausting and totally anxiety and security based at times. I strive to live from the place of my Organic Self so I can just be – instead of constantly strategize. the same goes in business, instead of looking at my scheduled time to network I could just get up and get out there knowing it really does trump the other crap i’ve got in the scheule- that’s the goal one day.
Erin, this is so perfectly timed. I actually just sat down at a coffee shop after having a 30 min conversation with the barista. I had a nagging “you’re supposed to be working” thought while we talked and then remembered that connection is what I’m here on this earth for and that work can wait a minute. I used to ignore my Organic Self for the sake of efficiency and called it “having boundaries with my time.” I’m only recently realizing that the big picture is the primary picture. The minutia can wait. Get out there! I’ll be cheering you on!
I work at a Nonprofit hospital and often feel disrespected. Ive noticed negativity leaking from me, feel overwhelemed, and tired, really tired. Thats the story right There! owning it and willing to change what i can, my attitude. i feel trapped right now and i am working to make positive career changes. I choose to focus on gratitude. I am learning to embrace change. I will use the negativE energy As fuel to get all my Ducks in a row. It feels good to take responsibility Of myself. Thank you for your inspirIng words and support!
Yes, Brooke! And in owning your story I have no doubt your positive career changes will come smoother and sooner. Sometimes it takes some negativity for us to realize we aren’t actually stuck in a shitty place. Can’t wait to hear that you’ve moved on!
Hi Allison! I loved this post. I love how you take something that could really send you into hiding and instead take a step back, use some humor, and put it where it belongs. You also have to know how much this helps those of us who are considering going into that arena. this helps me prepare for when, hopefully, i’m out there enough to even get that type of response. and when I do, I’ll be ready! I know it will sting, I am human, but I’ll remember this post!
Yay, Katerina! You give me a call when you get your first hater and we’ll talk about it!
Allison,
because of your honesty, i have shed many of my negative thoughts and irrational fears. (i therapied myself!) i am aware that it will likely be ugly for awhile while i plant my feet, but i’m ready– and i will stay focused on the big picture. thanks again!
Yay!! “I therapied myself” is awesome! A little ugly we can handle, especially when it leads to something so great!
As always, I so relate to your post Allison. The story I have is pretty much word for word the same as yours; I cling so strongly to this feeling that I need to be working really really hard, like 50 hours a week, to be worthy of making a decent salary. this has been a big struggle for me in shifting from being an employee at a non-profit to being an entrepeneur.
I use my “You don’t have to work so hard” reminder post its a lot. We’re worthy. We’re already doing a lot, no matter how many hours we put in. High five on being enough. We’ve got this, Sarah.
Thanks for sharing your story. It so happened today that someone had a complain about how things are done at my practice. I think personally people like to blame others when they cannot control or manage themselves.They complain because they feel entitled
I agree. And it’s great practice for our emotion regulation skills. 😉